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| Do you gossip? |
Do You Gossip or Chugli?
Have you ever noticed how much of our conversations revolve around other people? After all, once you’ve updated a friend on what’s new with you, what’s there left to talk about?
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| Breaktime Gossip at Work |
Some gossip is obviously unkind and some is disguised as “concern” (“I can’t believe she did this! I’m praying Waheguru changes her heart!”). But when it comes down to it, gossip is gossip, defined as “idle talk, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.”
It can be so much fun, though, and an easy way to fill the time! And aren’t we allowed to vent to others?
Why do We Gossip?
Social scientists have found that we are hardwired to gossip, and that's why we indulge in it. In fact, it’s an evolutionary adaptation – it’s become human nature to spill the beans.
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| Programmed to Gossip |
“We’re the descendants of people who were good at this,” said Frank McAndrew, a psychology professor at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. “In prehistoric times, people who were fascinated by the lives of other people more successful than them.”
We need to know what was happening with the people around us - “Who is sleeping with whom? Who has bought new car? Who went to whose party?”
Gossip helps us build friendships, community or learn information that’s vital for having a social life, said Megan Robbins, a UC Riverside psychology professor.
“You can establish a relationship by talking about other people and finding out something about others in the group,” she said.
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| Not Just Women ... we all gossip |
Although gossiping is often stereotyped as a feminine, low-class or uneducated pastime, Robbins said that everyone does it.
Why Gossip is Bad?
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” This quote is attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt. Gossip seems like innocent fun but it could hurt someone.
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| Is all gossip bad? |
What did Our Guru Say?
Sri Guru Granth Sahib mentions two terms for it:
Nindiya (slander) = Making up allegations, false accusations, spreading rumours about people with malicious intent to do harm to their reputation.
The gurus advice not to listen to slander about anyone:
ਕਰਨ ਨ ਸੁਨੈ ਕਾਹੂ ਕੀ ਨਿੰਦਾ ॥ ਸਭ ਤੇ ਜਾਨੈ ਆਪਸ ਕਉ ਮੰਦਾ ॥
The ears should not hear anyone’s slander and one should consider oneself as lowest of all.
Chugli (gossip) = Mindless idle talk about people, their personal and private lives behind thier back.
ਜਿਸੁ ਅੰਦਰਿ ਚੁਗਲੀ ਚੁਗਲੋ ਵਜੈ ਕੀਤਾ ਕਰਤਿਆ ਓਸ ਦਾ ਸਭੁ ਗਇਆ ॥
Ones who indulge in gossip, they are known for it and all their good Karma is lost.
ਚੁਗਲੀ ਕਰ ਜੋ ਕਾਜ ਬਿਗਾਰੈ ਧ੍ਰਿਗ ਤਿਸ ਜਨਮ ਜੁ ਧਰਮ ਬਿਸਾਰੈ ॥
One who spoils someone’s work by forgetting Dharma and gossiping, his life is damned.
Then Why We Gossip?
Here are the six main reasons why we gossip:
1. To feel part of a group. People gossip to feel like they belong to a group. They use speaking badly of people as a way to undermine rivals and establish alliances. When two people speak ill of a third, they form a kind of alliance. We have identified a common enemy. We speak ill of a third party and create a bonding.
2. To feel superior. People who don’t feel good about themselves feel temporarily better when they judge others negatively. We project our insecurities onto others. We point out the flaws and failures of others, in an attempt to disguise, to divert or even stop thinking about our own faults.
3. Because of envy. Overwhelmed by jealousy, we speak ill of the person that they’re envious of, in an attempt to diminish their qualities. That is, people gossip to harm those whose popularity, talents or lifestyle they envy.
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| Is gossip fun? |
4. To get attention. When people fail to generate interesting discussions based on knowledge or ideas, gossip can spark people’s interest. A person comes to be the centre of attention temporarily while they gossip. In social networks, for example, it’s a way of getting more hits. Ever notice how a video or a post talking badly about some celebrity ends up attracting more attention?
5. For our prejudices and intolerances. Gossip rests on prejudice. It establishes an acceptable behaviour model and attacks a different behaviour. In order to avoid feeling guilty, they adopt the well-known saying “I’m not prejudiced,” and almost always after that phrase, comes the classic “but”, which is actually the opening for a biased phrase.
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| Social Media Gossip |
6. Indulging but not aware. A lot of the time, we end up falling into the trap of speaking badly about people without even noticing. Gossiping without thinking can be dangerous, we don’t limit to the truth of the facts. This lack of awareness can bring devastating consequences for those who are targeted.
How to Stop Gossiping
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| Stopping Gossip |
Gossip is a poisonous form of communication that can ruin any kind of relationship whether it's between friends, family members, or co-workers. So how in the world can we stop gossiping? It’s an incredibly difficult habit to break, but it can be done.
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| Do men gossip more? |
1. Learn the difference between useful communication and gossip. There are times in life when it’s genuinely useful for you to know the personal history or personal details of a friend’s life. If there’s no purpose behind the conversation, someone starts sharing intimate details of someone else’s life, and you’re not in a position to help, it’s not a useful conversation.
2. Don’t speak negatively about someone behind their back. This simple rule can help you guide your conversations and behavior in a more positive direction. Life is hard. The people around you are likely dealing with difficult, painful emotional loads that we may not understand why someone did what they did.
3. Consider how you would feel if people were talking about you. Start with a small step of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. In fact, you may have already had an experience where you’ve shared something sensitive with someone you thought you could trust, and they then went and shared it with other people. How did that make you feel? Did you appreciate it? Or was it hurtful?
4. Avoid those who gossip. Some people thrive on drama and gossip. These people are constantly looking for the next juicy tidbit to talk about with other gossipers. Take a look at the person or people that you gossip with. What do you share with them? What do you talk about? Is it only gossip? If it is, you might want to consider whether or not you need some distance from that person to stop getting pulled into those conversations.
5. Stop before it starts. If the conversation starts to turn into gossip, stop and resume your level of awareness. You don’t need to accuse the other person of speaking badly of others, steer the conversation away from gossip:
“I’d rather not have this conversation, how about we talk about …” and change the topic to some meaningful conversation.
“I really don’t want to talk about other peoples’ business.”
“I’m not interested in talking about that. Can we talk about something else instead?”
“Why are you telling me this?”
As last resort, you can always remain silent.
Here is an interesting link from WikiHow: How to Stop Gossiping?
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