Ammi ji - My Dadi

 

Ammiji - My Grandmother Painting by Me

Sardarni Surjit Kaur - My grandmother

Maiden Name: Gian Kaur

Early Childhood:

Younger Gian Kaur - My Grandmother

Gian Kaur was the eldest of the three siblings and daughter of Sardar Sohan Singh Kharbanda and Balwant Kaur. The Kharbanda family were an affluent wholesale merchant of brass ware from Daska (Shahmukhi: ڈسکا; Gurmukhi: ਡਸਕਾ) in the Sialkot District of West Punjab. The town of Daska gets its name because it is das ("ten") koh (Mughal unit of distance) from Sialkot, Gujranwala, and Wazirabad. Kharbanda's were trading brass ware to distant locations such as Delhi, Rajasthan, Afghanistan, and Iran.

Sohan Singh was one of the four sons and assisted his father in the family business. He was married to Balwant Kaur from the Kukreja family of Lyallpur, West Punjab. The young couple had two children. Gian was the eldest and her brother Darshan was just two year old when their father Sohan Singh passed away after a short fever under suspicious circumstances over inheritance.

Seeking family protection, Balwant Kaur moved back to her parents home in Lyallpur. She was expecting third child at that time and gave birth to her daughter Harbans as a young widow. Her father, Atma Singh (Kukreja) was a famous Ayurveda and Yunani (Greek Hellenistic Medicine) doctor and herbal pharmacist located on the Railway Road, Lyallpur. His clinic included a pharmacy and a lab where various Ayurvedic medicines and perfumes were produced. In fact the founder of the famous "Simco' hair fixer  learned to make the hair fixer there. For years, Balwant Kaur produced floral perfume for Simco from her home in Delhi after partition of Punjab.

Balwant began assisting her father in the pharmacy lab while looking after three young children - Gian, Harbans, and Darshan. We affectionately called our great grandmother, Balwant Kaur as 'Pabbi ji' based on the title given to her in her in-laws house by her husband's siblings.

Marriage and Leaving Punjab:

Sardar Sardul Singh & Surjit Kaur

As customary in those days, Gian Kaur was married of at the young age of 17 to Sardar Sardul Singh Chhabra from Wazirabad in 1925. Her maiden name was changed to Surjit Kaur after the young couple took Amrit after wedding. My grandfather Sardul Singh was a project manager with Indian Railways and oversaw the construction of railway bridge over river Chenab in West Punjab. The Chhabra family is originally from Peshawar but Sardul Singh grew up in Wazirabad at his maternal grandparents house. The Sachdeva family of Wazirabad was very educated and mostly associated with the Indian Railways. His uncle Sir Mool Singh (Sachdeva) was the founding members of the Northern Railways and credited with the expansion of railway service to the northern Indian states.

Tall Surjit Kaur in 1940s

Sardul Singh was scouted by Sir Shadi Lal, the Chief Justice of Punjab High Court at Lahore to join him in establishing a cane sugar mill in Mansurpur in district Muzaffarnagar, UP.The British had awarded the land to the retired judge to set up a large industrial grade sugar mill in Mansurpur as part of economic growth program that eventually turned Muzaffarnagar into the sugar bowl of India. So Sardul Singh left the railway job and moved to UP in 1928 and played a key role in constructing and establishing the twin sugar mills of Mansurpur and Shamli. 

Mansurpur Sugar Mill - 1934

Couple of years later, Surjit Kaur joined her husband in Mansurpur when construction work for the mill as well as the residential homes for the officers were completed. 

Sardar Sardul Singh & Surjit Kaur

Working for the sugar mill was prestigious in per-independence India due to amenities and a high standard of living. Sardul Singh as the founding member of the Sir Shadi Lal Sugar Mill was in charge of several departments - Accounts, Purchasing, and Stores.

The Style of 1940s

The Singh family were part of the elite social group of the sugar mill owners and officer's families. I have fond memories of our home in Mansurpur with large lawns, two dogs, scores of domestic servants, and our own cow in the backyard. 

We would play Cricket in the front lawns and there was a large vegetable garden at the back.

My Dad showing Our Old House in Mansurpur

Early Motherhood

Surjit Kaur and Sardul Singh were blessed with a son, Manmohan born October, 1933. She gave birth to eight more offspring but none of them survived due to Rh factor. Rh-negative mother rejects the Rh-positive fetus by producing antibodies that can cross the placenta and attack the fetus's blood cells. These days, this complication is prevented by blood transfusion through the umbilical cord while the fetus is still in the mother's uterus. Unfortunately, this technology was not available in 1930-40s and only my dad  survived. 

My Dad - Manmohan Singh

The couple brought up their only child with utmost care and protection. Manmohan Singh completed his Bachelors degree in Economics from Meerut University. He was married to my mom, Rajee Bedi from London, UK in 1963. Surjit Kaur and Sardul Singh celebrated their only son's wedding with the girl from England in a lavish ceremony. My dad rode an elephant as the groom for the wedding ceremony and special cake was ordered from Delhi for the reception.

The Singh Wedding - 1963

Life as a Widow and Grandmother

Unfortunately my grandfather, Sardul Singh passed away in 1965 die to an heart attack while traveling ob business to Delhi. I was barely two year old at that time. My dad assumed the position in the sugar mill and life substantially changed for Surjit Kaur.

Me with my Grandparents - 1964

She changed her aristocratic lifestyle into a very simple living. She would only wear white or pastel colors and dedicated the rest of her life to taking care of me, her only grandchild at that moment. In fact she played the matriarchal role for me and my younger brother Manmeet since my mom had taken a job in the Union Bank of India branch in Mansurpur.

Me with Baby Brother - Manmeet

She dedicated every hour of the day, every day to our care. We both slept on either side of her in the bed. She would tell us the stories about the Gurus till we fall asleep. She would go to every extreme to provide us what we needed and protect us. I used to have chronic tonsillitis when I was four year old. This made her so overprotecting towards me and went to extreme levels to protect me. 

Here are some examples of her dedication and love for me:

• She would get up early in the morning and instruct the cook to make two eggs, buttered toast, and a tall glass of hot full-fat milk before we went to the school.
• I was a fussy eater but she made sure I have my choice of food for lunch and dinner
• She would make fresh pronthas every morning for me to take to school/college
• A servant will escort me to school with an umbrella during the summer or monsoons.
• She had arranged for the school principal to keep a cushion for my chair in the classroom.
• She would warm my Coke (Coca Cola) with concern that icy cold soft drink may affect my throat (tonsils)

 My Gratitude to Her

I owe my existence to my Ammi ji, my grandmother. She was always there when we needed her and provided us with love, affection, and care unconditionally. She embedded the family values, Sikhi tenets, and Punjabi heritage into our personas. Here are some of the things she did to help us grow as young Sikh boys:

• She taught us the Mool Mantar and the fice pari's of Jupji Sahib
• She introduced us to Gurmukhi script with 'Penti Akhari"
• She had so mush respect for Gurmukhi script that she would nit throw away old calendars, magazines, or newspapers that had Gurmukhi letters on it. She would cremate them with respect.
• She had maintained a room where we honored Sri Guru Granth Sahib and taught us how to read.
• Every 'Sangrand' she would read the verse of the month from 'Barah Maha" and asks us which month it is from the Indian Calendar. We would compete to say, "Jeth" or "Poh". This was her way to introduce the Indian calendar to us,
• She would read Sri Guru Granth Sahib all year and conclude with  a Bhog annually.
• She recited 'Dukhbhanjani Sahib' and read 'Janamsakhis' and tel us about Guru Nanak's travels
• She taught us to perform service (Sewa) before sitting down for Langar.Every Vaisakhi, we would go to the Mansurpur Gurdwara and participate in Langar preparation and Sewa.
• She once refused to talk to me for two days because I had bullied a classmate in the school. She made my apologize to the kid and taught me how to be humble.
• She never discriminated on caste or religion, and she would always welcome the servants, their families to come to our house to watch a film or 'Chitrahar' on our B&W TV.
  
• She kept us in regular contact with our extended families - Chhabras, Kharbandas, Sachdevas

Letting Me Go 

She let go of her over protection of me as I was growing into a young man. No longer was a servant accompanying me to college with umbrella or escorting me to a Cricket or Hockey game for my university.  I was traveling to the city everyday for college on trains, busses, and on my motorcycle. I asked to move into our hose in the city. The house was vacant and locked up but it was close to the college. She moved there with me as she was concerned about me. I enjoyed those years with her alone but my brother and parents would join us during weekends.

Force Feeding the Favorite Grans=dson

She made friends with the 'aunties' of the colony and she was popular with younger girls of my age but I never understood why these girls were visiting our home.

Then we learned the bad news - the fibroid in her uterus had become cancerous. She had avoided surgery to remove it for over 20 years. This was devastating to us all. I would accompany her to Delhi every month for the radiation therapy session at the Safdarjang Hospital. Her sister-in-law, Dr. Rajinder Kaur Sachdewa was the head of the gynecology department there. Ammi ji was a tough woman and suffered during the therapy but never complained of her pain.

She was very disturbed by the events of 1984 - the attack on Harmander Sahib, assassination of Indira Gandhi, and the genocide of Sikhs. These events broke her trust in people as she respected Harmander Sahib but also loved the Nehru and Gandhi family. Understanding the political environment of the 80s, she finally agreed to let me go to my maternal grandmother in London and find safe environment to settle there. I know this could have been a very difficult decision for her.

The Separation

The day, I was flying out of Delhi airport, she came to say goodbye. I remember, we stayed the night at my uncles place in Member of Parliament apartment opposite Vigyan Bhavan. She quietly passed me some British Pounds, "This is from me ..." Not sure how she got those Pounds but the gesture was heartwarming. Then she said, "Give me a a hug, I will never see you again ... you will never comeback."

Those parting words defined that moment of separation and still echo in my mind. It was October 1985 when I arrived in London to live with may Nani - Sardarni Parkash Kaur Bedi.

 I never got that love, that affection, and that care that I received from my Ammi ji.

Last Conversations

I would talk once a month with Ammi ji and my parents  over land lines. Yes, there was no cellular phones, FaceTime, or Whatsapp in 80s. Her health was deteriorating fast and I felt so guilty that I could not be there to take care of her in her last days. My younger brother, Manmeet had this privilege of doing this 'Sewa' to our loving grandmother who gave her all for the both of us. I am forever grateful to him for this.

She learned about my engagement in London and was so excited that she would keep the engagement pictures under her pillow and look at them everyday. Her favorite past-time was to admire the pic of my wife (then my fiancee) Tripat with magnifying glasses.

Har Last Days - Pics of our Wedding

Night before the wedding was my last call with her. She told me over phone, "I am not going to die before your wedding ... why would I spoil your fun?" She lived up to her words and passed away five days after my wedding. I could not be there for her funeral ... a sense of guilt will always be with me.

"Ammiji, you gave us so much love and affection that we are thankful. You embedded your values and heritage that will be an important part of me forever.Your blessingshelp us carry that forward to our next generations - that love care, and closeness that we got from you."

Surjit Kaur's legacy - Her Next Generations